


Can You Lower Your Voice?

by taeminki (orphan_account)



Series: going through the motions [1]
Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 13:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13659612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/taeminki
Summary: Taehyun doesn't know what to do next; Jinri has an idea.





	Can You Lower Your Voice?

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what happened to winner or f(x) okay don't attack me it's fiction

**part one, who is next?**

Nam Taehyun had an interesting story.

It all started-- truly _started_  when he walked into YG's company building. He was going to start a new life there-- a new life away from everything that made him confused as a teenager. He became a trainee, no problem. He felt accomplished, absolutely, but he hadn't quite gotten to the interesting part yet-- or, he supposed he had. It did _start_  with him walking into the company building, after all. He could even go so far back as to say it started when he saw BigBang on television and decided he wanted to be in a group, just like them-- but that was pushing it. That was the idea; that wasn't the _start_. Anyone could have an idea for a story, but that's not necessarily the beginning.

It continued with a show called _Who is Next_ , which, at the time, was a new survival show that YG decided to throw Taehyun into. He knew the men in Team A, his group, and in Team B, the other group. They were all trainees-- fellow trainees. He was quite close to every single one of them-- some more than others, of course, because that was natural in a crowd. He'd been kept quite close to his team even before the show began; he was told he would likely debut with them when the time came. And then YG decided he wanted to let the fans decide-- "the fans." Taehyun doubted if the voting would actually matter, but he supposed it wasn't important. He'd heard the rumors that both groups would debut no matter what, with all of their members intact. The only thing _Who is Next_  would decided was who got to debut first.

Despite knowing he was safe, Taehyun still wanted to win. He felt bad for having that attitude when he knew the other six trainees-- Team B, but he couldn't feel too horrible. After all, a survival show was supposed to give that mix of emotions; fighting against friends for a shared dream was supposed to be difficult. Taehyun was sure the point of the show was to test the men-- to see if they could be superstars-- never let their emotions get the best of them. It was something the others didn't really think about, or didn't mention. It was something a lot of the fans didn't realize. But Taehyun was smart; and he was sure the others were, too, but none of them would be caught dead discussing it.

So, things began to get interesting. Taehyung's talents and emotions were tested, same as the other four; and the other six after that. They clung to each other like a lifeline; and Taehyun figured out, halfway through, that another point of the whole show was to get the teams to feel closer, to work together. It was a test of strength in teamwork and a test of chemistry within each other. It was a whole lot of testing that none of them could study for-- a whole lot of complex problems that needed to be solved from the top of the head. They had seconds to answer, and if they got it wrong, they lost points-- and what kind of group couldn't get 100%?

At the beginning, both Team A and Team B made mistakes. Their teamwork fell apart, little by little, but then mended when they all began to reach out and grasp the sharp pieces that were falling away. They bloodied their fingers, but they patched each other up-- starting with Seungyoon, their leader, who wrapped Minho's fingers in bandages, sacrificing his own comfort and hurting himself in order to help a band member. Minho did the same thing-- with a little less pain, he, too, wrapped Seungyoon's fingers-- quick and sloppy so they could quickly help their younger brothers. Seungyoon didn't mind a bit that the job was messy; he wouldn't have minded a bit if Minho didn't help him until the very end. Minho wrapped up Seunghoon's fingers; Seungyoon wrapped up Jinwoo's fingers-- and, all together, they put bandages around Taehyun's bloody hands. And then Taehyun added more bandage to Seungyoon's fingers, and they continued to patch up messy parts from there. The bandages helped when the new few piece of their teamwork broke; they blocked the cuts. And it helped, too, when they all reached for the same piece and all only got a fifth of the pain they would if they each had to reach for a different piece.

Perhaps survival shows weren't truly as cruel as they seemed. There was always a good outcome for someone, after all.

After winning _Who is Next_  and becoming _Winner_ \-- a very fitting name, Taehyun began to worry for Team B. He'd had previous worry-- but much more for his own team and their struggles than those of the other team. He did, however, imagine that they had gone through the same thing as his team had-- reaching for broken pieces of teamwork and shredding their fingers because of it. He imagined that they, too, had bandaged each other; but they hadn't gotten anything out of it. They didn't get the satisfaction of debut-- of a brand new song and a stage all to themselves. What was it all for, then? For them-- why had they gone through it? Their teamwork had built; their bonds were closer; and still, they received nothing.

Taehyun almost wanted to say he was sorry. Why he didn't-- well, what would that do? It wasn't his fault. _Sorry_  could be taken as an insult in that case-- _I'm sorry for stealing your dream_ , _I'm sorry on behalf of my whole group for accomplishing something_ \-- it just didn't seem right.

He hugged them all instead, and he told them that they were going to do _amazing_  things when-- _when_ \-- they debuted.

(A year or so later, they did debut-- after a show called _Mix and Match_ , and they'd gained a new member-- a new maknae; perhaps a good thing, because the group still couldn't figure out who their youngest was.)

Life continued on to be interesting after the survival show-- the build of friendship and teamwork and emotional walls. Comebacks came after hard work; awards came after comebacks; popularity came after awards. It was all new and interesting; it was all exciting fulfilling. It was everything Taehyun had ever wanted-- making music, singing his heart out on stage. Everything was _perfect_.

And then, all of a sudden, it wasn't.

See, what was _interesting_  about Taehyun's story-- the one that started at the front door of the YG company building-- was that it was kind of ironic. Taehyun had always been a happy person-- starting when he was a kid, fading a bit when he was a teenager, but coming back to him as a trainee. It was difficult, and hope flickered from his sight sometimes, but how sad could he be when he had four loyal men alongside him?

 _Very_ , apparently.

It would have made more sense, Taehyun thought, if depression came to him before or during _Who is Next_. It would have made the most sense if his depression began when he was a brand new trainee-- maybe a month or two after he arrived. He had hope going in, and it flickered out of his sight after a couple months and no progress made. It came back when he met Minho and Seunghoon and Seungyoon and Jinwoo and was grouped with them. It flickered on and off as he slaughtered his hands for teamwork. It would have made sense in any of those flickering stages-- but the darkness decided to consume him when he _swore_  he was shining the brightest.

What kind of irony was that?

Everything was great, and then it all plummeted into a black hole-- and Taehyun had panic attack after panic attack as he reached for it, tried to grab it all back. He went about his day as he was trying to get the light to flick on; he closed his eyes and sang in the dark; he took a deep, dark breath before he had to face the artificial light and dance in front of the mirror for hours and hours. But the fake hope just sent a voice of panic to his heart, and Taehyun kept collapsing during practice, his heart pounding against his chest. It was the only thing he could hear, feel. He knew his members crowded around and tried to help him-- backed off and tried from a distance, but they could never do anything for him. No one could. He was stuck in a constant state of panic-- of _when am I going to panic?_  and further panic when he actually _did_. His members became helpless; he himself was deemed useless.

So, in 2016, two years after he debuted with Team A, Nam Taehyun was kicked out of Winner.

YG played it off like he had left. Taehyun had heard multiple stories-- he had anxiety and he just couldn't do it anymore; he was depressed and he needed to go back home. He heard the rumors that he'd left because he wanted to start his own band, where he could be the center, the star. He thought that one was particularly funny. Why would he create a band with strangers when he had been perfectly happy in Winner? But then, he supposed, he wasn't happy, even though he felt it. It made Taehyun wonder how much of his emotion was true-- how bad he was fooling himself. Had he ever felt hope, or had that all been artificial? Had he ever felt love for his brothers, or was that an act he put on for the cameras? All he knew, some months after being kicked from his own group, was that _Who is Next_  had messed him up. How strange, that some cuts on his palms could traumatize him so much.

Taehyun took the new cuts-- on his wrists, this time-- to Choi Jinri, a woman he knew faintly and would get to know much better in the months to come. He ended up in the middle of her apartment the night he was kicked out of Winner-- the night his contract was terminated, shredded. He barely got a chance to say goodbye to his group; they had been convinced, too, that he was leaving; and he was being paid to pretend like he was leaving. Taehyun hated himself for taking the offer of money-- but what else was he to do? Be homeless for a while? Go back home--with what money? Taehyun realized, now, why groups stayed together through thick and thin until they were rich enough to break apart. Their companies tricked them into complete dependence and giving up freedom.

It was all a trick.

Jinri understood. She looked at Taehyun's wrist-- simply scratched and cut by his fingernails, an ugly habit he'd grown lately-- and his teary eyes; and she pulled him in-- into her apartment, in for a hug. She locked the door; she locked her arms around Taehyun's shoulders. He held her by the waist and ugly-cried into her shoulder for much longer than he would have let himself about two years ago-- or maybe even just two days ago, when he was still in Winner and true lights (at least, he thought they were) of hope existed in the eyes of his band members. They were gone, now; he wasn't supposed to see them again. He was being paid not to.

"I know." Jinri told him when Taehyun muttered his whole story into Jinri's shoulder. He wasn't supposed to tell anyone-- not a soul, but Jinri knew exactly what he was going through. She told him the same thing had happened to her-- a little more brutal, and a little more rumor-stricken, but practically the same. And she offered him a room, and dinner, and Taehyun told her he could pay rent if he were to stay. Jinri nodded at him-- a silent nod that didn't really answer any of Taehyun's questions or comments, but it was comforting, and Taehyun felt cared for. He saw a flicker of hope in Jinri's eyes-- an orange instead of a yellow. It wasn't the kind of hope he used to have, but it was something, and Taehyun was kind of excited to figure out what it was.

Taehyun decided, that night, that he wasn't going to let Jinri go until he figured out what it was, and how to get it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
**part two, _what_  is next?**

Taehyun avoided going on the internet for a long time after he was kicked out of Winner. He couldn't even begin to imagine what the fans were saying, or what kinds of stories the news companies were coming up with. He'd heard the depression story; and that was the only one close enough to the truth. He'd heard anxiety, which he doubted was accurate. He wasn't anxious; he was a human being. But then he thought he was happy; so many of the rumors knew more about him than he knew about himself.

Still, he avoided them. He didn't want to know himself. Depression was ugly enough; if the other parts of him were that ugly, Taehyun would rather stay oblivious to it all.

Some part of him pitied Jinri, who got to know him better day by day. But he supposed it was a decent trade-off; he got to know Jinri, and Jinri got to know him. He wondered if Jinri found some things in him that he found in her; because Jinri was broken. She was a kind of broken that Taehyun had never seen before. Her glass pieces were much more intimidating than the pieces of Team A's teamwork had been, and so Taehyun didn't reach for them. He would look at them, study them, but leave them be. They weren't angry at him. They weren't expecting to be picked up. They had some hope, some wishes, but it was dimmed. It didn't glare at Taehyun whenever he peeked; and so Taehyun could ignore it.

Sometimes, Jinri did and said things that made Taehyun think he was broken, too.

Perhaps it was the leftover instinct from her miscarriage, but she treated Taehyun like a mother may treat her unborn child. She coddled him, cradled him; and Taehyun wondered why she would act in such a way if he wasn't broken. He was a man-- only the broken of the sort still needed their mother to guide their way.

Jinri thought it was a good idea for him to stay off of the internet. She told him she hadn't had the same mindset; she'd made the mistake of stalking the internet when she left her group. She'd read every word said about her, and she'd ended up in the hospital three times, only saved by friends and boyfriends. She avoided the internet after her third attempt at ending her life-- stopped paying her bill and cutting it off altogether, only recently deciding to get it again to look for jobs and keep herself a little more entertained (and to stop paying such a high price for her cellular data, which she often used to scroll through her-- filtered-- Instagram account). Taehyun wondered how she kept the temptation of looking up her own name at bay when she still had data to go on google. She said "You're the first person to see past that," and admitted she never stopped, but she did stop trying to kill herself over it. Taehyun wondered how she stopped her suicidal tendencies, but that wonder didn't get put into words; therefore, it was never answered.

Although he _was_  depressed, Taehyun never had the urge to kill himself. It wasn't that he wanted his life to end, it was that he wanted his life to get better. He wanted his life to be the way it was before, and he wanted to find a way to be grateful for what he had without doubting it. It was good enough, of course; and he knew he was good enough for it-- he'd worked _so hard_  for what he had. Just, something was off. Something was so, so off and Taehyun couldn't figure out what it was-- and it was a damn shame because if he knew, he might still be in Winner.

"Don't do that to yourself." Jinri would warn. She would see him sitting in silence and know exactly what he was doing-- tearing himself apart with thoughts-- and she would know exactly what he was thinking, and she would say something to soothe him. This time around, while he was thinking he might still be in Winner, Jinri said, "I told myself I could still be in f(x) if only I wasn't... well, exactly the way I was. Ultimately, it came down to me being me, and that's why I got kicked out. But that isn't fair, because that's not my fault. It's not your fault, either. You are who you are and they didn't want you. It sucks, but it's not your fault."

"I'm just wondering what it was." Taehyun muttered. Jinri nodded, "I know. I'm sure it _was_  just a little part, but even a little part adds up to the whole-- and if that little part is gone, you wouldn't be you. So, it was just you. And it was unfair, and I'm sorry it happened to you, too."

Jinri moved to stand next to Taehyun, to pet his head-- play with his hair, "I say forget out stupid companies, and forget the idol life. I, personally, am much happier now that I'm on my own. I actually feel like and independent adult with real friends. Maybe it's because I never really wanted to be a singer-- it was a hobby, not a career, but when I was young, I was always told to take opportunities, and I did."

Jinri sat on the table, and folded her hands across her knee-- placing one foot on the table and holding her leg against her chest, "I'm glad I did. As bad as it ended, and as much as it all messed me up, being an idol taught me a lot of things. And it brought me to you, and I like you a lot. You keep me good company in this apartment, you know. I've been really lonely for a long time."

"I think I have, too." Taehyun said. He leaned into her; she let her leg fall so his head could lay against her stomach. She held his head softly, and she hung her head so her hair cascaded along his cheeks-- and it ticked but it was nice, and she was nice-- and everything about _this_  was nice. "I'm glad I'm here."

"I'm glad you're here, too." Jinri said. He let go of Taehyun and sat up straight all at once, and Taehyun did, too. Jinri spoke, "Now. It's time to stop thinking about Winner. It's been--" and, for some reason, she checked her watch-- "Three months, and none of them have contacted you, and, as a general rule, I think that means that they're not going to. It's been a while, and you've grieved, and been sad, but it's time to move on. It's time for you--" and she tapped the underside of his chin, "--to start thinking about your future. What makes you happy? Don't say singing."

"Uh," Taehyun caught himself, because he was going to say singing. He tapped his fingers, and shrugged, "Writing?"

"Good. You can use my laptop while I'm at work, and you can write, and look for jobs online that will let you write. You can be a journalist! A freelancer!" Jinri seemed to have all the answers. She tapped on Taehyun's nose and said, "I bet you write beautifully. I'll write down my laptop password and keep it stuck to my laptop so you can use it, okay?"

"Really?" Taehyun asked, and Jinri nodded, "Absolutely."

She stood, and she made Taehyun stand, too, and he hugged him; and they hugged for a long time. She told him, "I've been really happy lately, and I think it's because of you. You helped me realize how much I learned, and how happy I still am despite all I went through. So, I want you to be happy, too, and I want you to tell me if you keep thinking about Winner so I can slap some sense into you-- with my words, of course. And if I really do hit you, I'll be gentle."

"Okay," Taehyun laughed. She pulled away from the hug, eyebrow raised, "You have to promise me."

"Okay, I promise," and Taehyun was still laughed, but she believed him. "And I'll let you know about any self-depricating thoughts that I have so you can slap some sense into me, too. But you have to be gentle as well."

"I will." Taehyun said. She hugged him again; and he held onto her for a little while longer this time, but they eventually broke away from each other, and went in opposite ways because Jinri was hungry and Taehyun had to use the restroom. They spent the night together, watching movies and generally just enjoying their Saturday night. Taehyun felt better, now; and he'd always felt better with Jinri, but something about her happiness was contagious, and Taehyun thought his eyes might have a flicker of orance to them, now.


End file.
